I see my job as para-medical. I know all the health benefits of massage and I’ve experienced  first hand what it can do for muscular injuries. I guess that’s why I sometimes forget that it’s weird to touch naked strangers. 

Here’s a couple of things you might be afraid to ask and your therapist might not tell you.  

We would prefer that you were completely naked. If you have a good therapist your “lady garden” will all stay safely hidden. If you have a bad therapist your “bait and tackle” will end up on display. If you are going without a recommendation from a friend, leave them on your first time. You’ll probably be more relaxed. And that way if you do get a therapist that failed Proper Draping 101, you won’t feel so violated and left thinking, “why is my vulva out?!”  

The other thing men worry about is errections. I’ve done massage for years and have seen very few men get aroused. Usually they are on purpose. You can tell because they are doing their best to have you notice–doing what I call “boner crunches”. Occasionally it will happen accidentally (usually with a sleeping client). If you clearly are NOT trying to get a “full release” or “happy ending” we don’t really care. It happens. It’s actually part of the nervous system in charge of resting and digesting and activating it is one of the goals of massage. And before any guys try to get cute, ejeculation is a function sympathetic nervous system (the one in charge of fight or flight) and definitely NOT a goal of massage. 

Speaking of hookers, stop calling your massage therapist a masseuse. Masseuse, like escort, is code for prostitute. If you go to those people it’s up to you. But if I wanted to give handies I wouldn’t have bothered with going to school and racking up student loan debt. 

And lastly, rumbling tummys, snoring, gas we’ve heard it all. Again it’s part of the goals of massage. If you have to fart/toot just don’t do it while we are working on your glutes.