Bless Her Heart

Southern living, unfit for a magazine


May 2016

Woman “pockets”

I dropped my iphone into the toilet…again.  My husband, who is a man and doesn’t even have to take his pants off to pee, was very upset with me.  How could I do that twice in 6 months with such an expensive phone!

The answer is simple, woman pockets!  I’m not sure why they even call them pockets since they really can’t hold much of anything larger than an eyelash securely.  What they really are is butt decorations.  I even went out and bought myself a waterproof case after the first time, but quickly learned it would no longer fit in my butt decoration, so went back to my old one.

And as unflattering as cargo pants were, I really miss them.  I miss that convenient pocket right at my finger tips, large enough to hold my lipgloss, some money, drivers license, AND debit card.  And none of it would fall out when you pee.  Or even in the wash!  Which was great when you found an extra $20, not so great when it was lipstick.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I dream of the day when women can have pockets!  And a waterproof phone would be nice too.



I’m a f@cking hero

I just realized this very minute that women are brave. On a whole, we are physically less strong than the half of humans with penises and most mammals our size. From the time we are children a large number of us have been abused physically and/or sexually. We are bombarded daily by phrases that continue to make us feel less than. “Like a girl” or “Don’t be a pussy!” Not only that, but we bleed for a GD week and we don’t die. Yet we are made to feel bad about it making us cranky. 

Men may never know the fear we face everyday for just being female. But you know what, with everything society throws at us, and we throw at each other, we carry the fuck on.  We know the danger we face every time we leave the house and we do it anyway. Put on your war paint, or makeup, whatever. And head out the door. We got this. 

King of the Castle

A long time ago kings protected their castles against invasions and armies. My husband spent the weekend doing the same. Except he went to war with squirrels and armies of ants. I think the battle was won. With fire! 

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